Connective Cube

Connecting the hard edges

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Quite memoir, Quite fiction.

  • Debby Downward Together

    Debbie Downer – Disney World (2004) – Saturday Night Live

    A tension arises as I look downward
    Feeling less than romantic staring at the azure dot in the fold of the foam
    That I can simply let go of someone telling me
    that I am, again

    Too much of a debby downer.

    Well, okay, they didn’t say that explicitly to me, I just read it in the seeming desire to look at anything but me as I gave a two minute, okay maybe five minute monologue about trying to think before I speak so I can maybe seem only partly cloudy to the outside world. Master of my emotions, wizard of my feelings, manipulate thyself to just keep the conversation to puppy memes and taco trucks. That will do it, I will then only show the side of me that everyone thinks is agreeable for all parties.

    Well, okay, not exactly like that, I was really talking about the reason why I stay away from plastic bags and ocean pollution, maybe that is why they have the attitude that ‘duh I take my bags to the store, we both already know this, can’t we talk about puppy memes.’

    If suffering is the universality of humanity
    And misery loves company,
    then dissolute ego, and flaunt my flaws to the world with incessant openness —

    Except, company evaporates when I take that route.

    Like everyone else, I hom, thankful for a moment to be deeply alone, together.

  • Surprise!

    Sun Ra, Space is the Place, 1979

    My shadow, long in the trees, casting over homes from the first world war post-era.

    What memory conjures as I stare at this long shadow?

    Right now, none, all I can do is appreciate the long contours
    the odd middle part of my hair, poofing up towards the sky,
    electric blue headphones don’t show in the shadow, nor do my teeth.

    A twirl blob, indistinguishable in motion, enters the surface of each house with a few pounds of pavement.

    Plop plop plop

    If I knocked on your door, you would wonder what sweaty mass of wide-eyed middle hair parted would bother you at such a quiet moment, make your dog bark, interrupt a mid-afternoon snack on a day of rest.

    Plop plop plop

    When I make a right turn, the shadow enters back into me.

  • Nope

    Here we go
    again

    The dance where I avoid talking to
    anyone
    today
    if I can help it.

    There are at least 5, maybe 20 others with their headphones on, faces soft behind florescent glows.

    I find comfort in our mutual silence:

    Why would I want to talk to people who think they know me so well?
    With their comments that I have nothing to say, that I lack ideas.
    Well, they come, but not to y’all, ones who point the finger at an easy target
    Day in, and day out.

    Forgetaboutit. Is all I have to say in my head to you, as you mistake my silence for lack of passion.
    I don’t want to share it with you
    until
    maybe
    you stop telling me how much you can’t stand someone
    that is more similar to me
    than you will ever know.

    I wonder how often you say the same about me, to others.

    Until then,
    I will keep the sensory channels down, my appearance aloof, and do my best to
    not think about any of you at all in the natural glow.

  • Count me out

    I don’t want to be part of this nation-state
    one I am not from
    one where the people from here
    get disappointed if you didn’t go to school in the area

    One, where even people who are from here
    but don’t go to the right school in the area
    don’t get attention because they don’t have people in high places

    It isn’t in their manicured lawn of roses that their landscaper maintains

    It’s like there everywhere here, I suppose
    but here, since I am not from this spot
    I don’t want to be counted in your numbers, deemed a certain class, labeled with a certain intelligence, or lack thereof, because you never left your
    trove of trees planted in 1963.

    Thank you. 

  • Sincerely Okay

    A horse, with some friends –
    I feel closer to them than, well, most of those I can possibly
    caress.

    Amusing myself to death
    over the pig who knows how to get people to
    talk.

    Is trying to talk enough? I don’t like to talk, except, people trust the word in the moment. It’s okay, I try to mean what I say.

    Lazy susan – I thought it was a lazy suzy when I was a kid –
    Whirls, and I pick where it stops.

    Today, in my sincerity to tell the truth, I instead say
    It is okay.

    Even when I pick up a rotten bananas, the ones I intended for bread, I say,
    It IS okay.

    Okay?

  • Layouts layouts

    http://www.masterdynamic.com

    This site is a grid layout that shifts between mobile/tablet/laptop/desktop versions easily.  

    This website features a hero image as the focal point on all versions of the website, which utilizes positive space above the fold.  Below the fold, the site utilizes negative space in order to highlight the product line, reviews, an about blurb and a navigation section.  This allows for variations in the size of the elements, which include images, texts and call to actions to purchase the product.  This minimalist design provides plenty of balance and allows for the products to be featured while minimizing cognitive load.  The medium size images of each product on the desktop version also allows for people to view the intricate design of the headphones.  The smaller images on the mobile and tablet versions still allow for plenty of negative space, thus successfully highlighting the products.  

    The footer on the desktop has far more negative space, while the tablet and mobile versions have lines separating the navigation area.  The text is quite hard to read in the tablet and mobile versions on the desktop given the small and thin text, and the lines between the navigation are almost too thin.  

    The user can click on the shop buttons to learn more about the product.  If a user wants more information, they can either click on the icon at the top left for further navigation, or they can scroll to the bottom of the page.  This call to action is simple and easy to use.

    The site was clearly designed with mobile first in mind, and the minimalist approach requires an easy experience for anyone shopping on their phone.  The size of the over the ear headphone images on the mobile and tablet versions are cut off, and perhaps reducing the image size would still preserve the integrity of the product while showing the whole image.  However, the desktop version almost features too much negative space, and a user may want to learn more about the product without having to click further.  Perhaps a tagline of short product description would do in this case.  

    Also, the blinking e-mail subscription call to action appears after the user is on the site for a few minutes.  This disrupts the balance of focusing on the product, and the blinking may alienate people.  

    Overall, one won’t experience cognitive overload on this site, sans the lines in the footer on the tablet and mobile versions.  

    http://hammer.ucla.edu

    The Hammer Museum – 

    This desktop version website effectively uses space, size and balance by focusing on the museum’s visual art specialties.  It is a content heavy website with many navigation points, and the designer has to keep this in mind to simplify many potential points of navigation. 

    This grid based site uses more positive space than negative space on all versions, and many of the larger feature images for each content section contain photography with a focal point.  The focal point contains a hero image of the latest installation that pops out along with the headline and tagline in the desktop version. There is more positive space than negative space on this site, and the images that display visual art gallaries are the bulk of the positive space.  However, the images selected range from minimalist – greyscale with a lot of negative space within the photo – to more complex images – full color with multiple objects/people.  This gives the viewer some room to breathe while scrolling down the page and provides much needed balance with the heavy use of positive space.  The page ends with negative space in the footer that displays simple navigation and key museum information (address, hours, contact information). 

    On the mobile and tablet sites, the hero image is no longer the focal point.  Instead, the logo is the primary focal point with the text leading to further content are the secondary focal points.  This accounts for people who may be ‘on the go’ and want to quickly access information about closing times and active exhibits.  It also seems like this site was designed with mobile first in mind, and the tablet version has some content that is slightly askance.  

    The logo at the top serves as a secondary focal point on the desktop version, but the hero image with N. Dash’s work provides an easy navigation opportunity to view more of her work, which is rooted in fabric and indigo coloring.  The hero image is slightly larger than the other images, but it appears the same size with the navigation bar at the top and the content navigation page to the specific site.   The images below are smaller, yet use the same headline teaser to encourage the user to learn more about Mario Garcia Torres’ or other exhibits that are opening soon.

    The images that are roughly half the size of the hero image are for openings that are happening later in the year or for educational programs. 

    One could argue that there could be more negative/white space.  This site may not be ideal for someone who likes lighter coloring.  However, I think the headline banners break up the content well and provide useful information for learning more about what is going on at the museum.  More white space could be achieved by decreasing the size of the images and text, therefore allowing for the negative space to highlight the images and text.  The wrong series of images can easily make this site look cluttered.  In addition, the hero image may be underwhelmind to some people, and more white space could highlight the minimalism of M. Dash’s work.  The text is also a large size, which works well for accessibility purposes. 

    Also, one could argue the hero image for the desktop version is too large.  Perhaps supplemental imagery or a split image of two N. Dash works of art could be displayed on the homepage to break up the simplicity of the hero image.  The large hero image also disrupts the balance of the site, and the negative space below almost looks too clean compared to the vibrant image on the top.

    Driving users to the content succeeds with the image heavy teasers.  The logo is on the top, which provides easy navigation back to the home page.  

    Similarities and Differences

    Both sites utilize sans serif fonts and display a hero image in the desktop version.  The hero image is minimized as the focal point in the mobile and tablet versions.  This makes sense, as both sites feature objects, rather than text, to be viewed.  

    They are vastly different in how they use positive and negative space.  The Hammer Museum utilizes little negative space in the desktop version, and more negative space in the laptop/tablet/mobile versions.  However, more positive space is utilized than negative space in the smaller screens.  

    On the other hand, negative space is a main feature of the desktop version of Master & Dynamic below the fold.  The mobile/laptop/tablet versions feature 

    Both sites are more balanced in their smaller screens, and they both use the hero image with corresponding text to draw the user deeper into the site on the desktop version.  The Hammer Museum verges on being too image heavy, but it works because the image content 1) differs enough and 2) has insightful text and text overlays (by that, I mean the boxes behind the text!)

    All in all, The Hammer Museum site is slightly more balanced as a whole than the Master & Dynamic site given the presentation of content and display of images that is appropriate for each device.  However, Master Dynamic uses negative space in a way that gives the user clear call to actions.  Both use size in a systematic approach though the site, giving the user a solid sense of hierarchy with the information.

    What makes one solution more clear than another?

    http://www.kooslooijesteijn.net/category/blog/ (Skip to “Website Sketching Workflow)

    Koos Looijesteijn not only utilizes primitives to communicate potential layouts, but he includes different pen colors and text to identify the most optimal solutions for the user.  Within this, he includes ideas about user flows within different layout solutions.  

    In addition, he indicates when pages external from the site should be opened on a new page.  Items that require interaction are demarcated in green.  

    http://designshack.net/articles/inspiration/close-photoshop-and-grab-a-pencil-the-lost-art-of-thumbnail-sketches/

    What works about the Design Shack solution is the simplicity of the primitives within potential layouts.  This may not explain the process and expectations of the user in detail, but rather provides a final solution for the visual designer to layout materials in more detail.  However, these are low-fidelity mock-ups, so further research and details on potential user flows may be necessary.  This designer clearly is making a case for thumbnail sketches.  

    Both sites are geared more towards creating personal websites than client projects.  Both argue the sketching process fuels creativity and provides a way start the wireframing process with ideas in mind.  At the end of the day, the first solution is clearer than the second solution in terms of communicating why certain wireframes are being created.  This allows for any potential questions about potential user flows to be discussed in a larger meeting context.  The second solution gets the layout on the page, but the lack of user flows and context is perhaps more for the designer to elevate ideas to the next level.

  • Old binders

    I pulled an article out of a binder from my graduate school days. When I lived in Atlanta, I purchased binders and a three-hole punch and crunched a few thousand pages and assembled them. Knowing I couldn’t access many of these articles that, in retrospect, shifted my consciousness, I decided it was necessary to archive them.

    After I completed my thesis, I wanted to burn the articles. There was this distinct pleasure of knowing that I did not have to read a bunch of scholarly articles on gender, sexuality, and the environment on a schedule. However, I also knew that I would have to go to graduate school again and remember everything I read, authors and all. Or have access to expensive databases to pull everything. Given that I have a hard time remembering the names of people who produce art and culture, I decided to take the time.

    Now, I want to re-read the articles and re-contextualize them to the present in some manner.

    ***

    Over the years, I stopped thinking of gender as consciously performance, or performative. The idea of disrupting gender, for me, started when I was six years old ripping heads off of Barbie dolls.

    I still loved my ice cream dress, one that had a simple ice cream cone in the middle of my chest. It got lost in a move. My desk was intensely messy, the one with papers falling out and unknown gooey food grime.

    It was always in me to stomp on the trope that being pretty is what I had to offer. Of course, my sixth birthday party yielded 20 new Barbie dolls to draw on and one pair of jelly slippers.

    There was always something in me, at a young age, something not desiring to perform, but desiring to exist.

    ***

    The first article I pulled was Candace West and Don Zimmerman’s ‘Doing Gender’.  My first semester of graduate school, I thought I might want to research public education, so I enrolled in a Developmental Psychology course with a Russian trained psychologist. The questions we explored in-depth was undoing the binary between nature and nurture. I knew right away that I didn’t agree with the Eriksonian approach that personality remains relatively static over time; if anything, I feel like something inside me dies when another adult says ‘people never really change.’

    Part of undoing the binary came from reading material that I have yet to re-read. The popular term in developmental psychology was ‘ecological approach’, which is rooted more in a social constructionist understanding of human relations. That is, the environment plays a larger role in the development of our consciousness rather than inborn qualities.

    The individual human is at the center of ecological systems theory, and the following systems impinge on development over the life cycle:

    Microsystems – Family, friends, social institutions (arts, religion, neighborhood associations, etc.), school.
    Mesosystems – The intersection of micro and exosystems.
    Exosystems – Medical providers, media, cultural institutions, workplaces
    Macrosystems – The larger culture at the moment.

    Gender, according to West and Zimmerman, negotiates all points on the ecological scale. The present the case of Agnes, a transwoman who negotiates passing as a woman with ascribed behavior.

  • I need a nap

    All I can say about 2017 is I need a major nap. Fragmenting, exhilarating, and exhausting immediately come to mind. If there is something that I need to work on, it is not pushing people away with my silence.

    Sometimes I become mute when I feel extreme anxiety, even if I am comfortable behind a keyboard, paintbrush, or pen. Writing and painting gives me time to exercise my memory, to slow myself down enough to generate a coherent thought. Fusing memory with quick reactions means altering the speed of my thought process, which means ugly facets about how I communicate emerge. Without intentionality, I lose control over my automatic responses. With intentionality, I forget how to even respond automatically to my environment.

    Sometimes I like to avoid my own stories when I meet people. Mostly because I dig to find any way to not dominate the conversation, and listen more. To speak my own stories to new people still seems like a daunting task, as I can feel a distance from myself as I tell a story about a past fragment. Sometimes I confuse the locations, the details,  or the people in the narrative for the everyday events.

    My life-cycle rarely shows, at least to me, a unified narrative. One of the consistent feelings is trust issues toward other human beings. Perhaps that is borne out of fear that correlates with my past experience.

    Another narrative that emerges is this deep desire to shut up a listen while also asserting myself. As a white cis(ish)-woman, I know that my tears can cause someone else’s suffering, and that we are given permission to cry.  Sometimes, my anxiety doesn’t need to eat the room. Sometimes, I need to cry alone.

    But sometimes – it is okay to feel in front of other people, to show emotion off the stage, to have strong feelings about a performance choice.

  • Of Molar Importance

    I cringe at the memory of the drill.

    A huge part about experiencing depression, for me at least, is bouts of self-neglect. Sometimes this manifests in becoming very externally driven, but without all the right tools to not totally push people away.

    Meeting people reminds me to take care of myself. Brush my teeth. Shower. Other people go through this to. It is a mantra, a string the spiritual belief web. I used to go deep with people.

    Now, I find that my adult self could get into more trouble than it is worth to sling my quirks on the chopping block.

    The guardedness is a cycle, one that breaks with time. I am now okay with that now, as it really and truly is none of my business what people think of me, especially if that guard stays up and I am not giving it my all.

    Of course, it is my business if I am hurting anyone.

    ***

    There was this one time I imagined this girl hated me in high school. A runner with a technical mind. She avoided me. I only really spoke to people who approached me and poked me out of my tent. I didn’t have an issue with her, but I hated her because I thought she hated me.

    One day, one of her friends sat next to me after class. This was someone I played competitive tennis with at 13 and softball at 11 and 12. Mom drama made me keep my distance from this person.

    The friend asked me why I hated the runner so much, and didn’t make an effort to be her friend, since she was new and all.

    It took many years to realize that people regard my guardedness as a sign of dislike. It took even longer to stop attributing other people’s shyness and anxiety into a binary headache.

    ***

    anyway.

    Speaking of brushing my teeth, I admit I didn’t do that all too well in my younger years. Even at a young age, I neglected self-care in order to work more, do more, sleep more, mope more, act more, jump more.

    This turned into drink more, work more, walk more, go out more, crash and not want to talk to anyone once I got somewhere in my early and mid-20s. There were many sweater teeth crashes in a drunken stupor.

    Drinking shirks the guard, if temporarily. I pay for it now, with many fake molars in the back that still crush too much chocolate and hot bread.

    One of my quarter life crises was finally going to the dentist while I had insurance at a full-time job. This was before that mandate went in that anyone under the age of 26 could stay on their parents insurance. I was 26 at the time.

    The previous year, I attempted to go to the dental school to get some deep fillings. At a dental school, you pay a nominal fee to get a lot of dental work done by dental students needing to fill their practice requirements.

    I was attempting to go to The Peace Corps too. At least, that is what I told employers. Working in schools in Brooklyn and Queens made me realize there was plenty of work to do here. But that, and the immense amount of work I would need on my teeth and my lack of insurance situation at the time working three part-time jobs made me realize going to help people far away was an expense, a benevolence I could not afford.

    ______

    I think there is a general melancholy now, an intense fear of knowing what happens, historically, when people fight back at the emergence of a potentially facist regime.

    (My spellchecker in WordPress doesn’t recognize facist as a word. It’s alternates include racist and facets).

    For those of us prone to introspection and depression, I say let us challenge ourselves to be out there, to not abuse substances, and to forgive ourselves when the guard is stuck. It will unstick at some point.

  • Neon Sensuality

    Vulnerability, trust, assuming good intentions from others, and generally opening up to people still is difficult to this day. I feel vacant when I read about another massacre, another outgrowth of this item I forgot to embrace. I go out quietly, rarely impinging on my surroundings. When I participate, I feel thin, tin like, whinny on the walk. I guess I need oil. I get oiled. Wow, I need a lot of oil right now.

    Stop resting underneath the whimsey of smiley faces, neon green, and gushing sugar BloBs. Retrograde sensual shocks, and natural is the color.

    How shocking stark spaces are, and the people who create them. There has to be a storage space, or a basement. The last of the archives in a dusty basement. I lament, again.